I am a hopeful romantic. As I’ve gotten older I can see the clear progression of my heart. I have always had this intense yearning to love and be loved.
Intimate Love
As a child I really loved myself. In fact, I probably seemed pretty self-centered. And I was. From my perspective, though, I felt confident and safe in my authentic self. But over time that feeling of safety diminished as I had to try harder to fit myself into societal norms. I have massive respect for authentic teenagers. I meet so many of them now.
Around the time I was conforming for ease, I was also constantly wishing for a boyfriend. In fact I was ridiculously boy crazy. Strangely, my idea of what a relationship should be like was way off target. It was more of a competition.
But under all of that I desperately wanted someone to be mine. My person; who would love me. Like the real, actual, weirdo me.
Self Love
As I mentioned above, though, I was busy masking; conforming myself to the idea of a good girl, a friendly girl, a fun girl. Basically I didn’t love myself. I thought I needed to change myself to be loved. Since I didn’t love that me, I thought that surely no one else could love me either.
That’s the paradox. It’s really self love that is the key to it all.
Wanting love is a sign that you need more love of self. When I was yearning for a teenage love it wasn’t for someone to love the actual me. I wanted someone to love the made up version of myself. Which is tricky.
I wanted someone to love me unconditionally. What made me realize that I have to love myself unconditionally first? It was when I found an intimate partner that loved the real me. When I realized he was that person I had always actually wanted but thought I didn’t deserve. My love for him made me remember that I had loved myself unconditionally before and had just forgotten. I saw myself through his eyes more and that made me take a hard look at how I perceive myself.
Self love is an ever-present dance, but it’s important to focus on. Because I believe that self love is essential to the capacity to love someone in an intimate relationship.
Motherly Love
When I was a child I also dreamed of being a Mom someday. Mostly because my best friend really liked to play with baby dolls and I really liked to make her happy. I was more interested in the role of Mom and the perks that came along with it, at that stage of life. A cute baby and a loving husband! Sign me up!!
When I was pregnant the first time it was life changing. The way I felt was completely unexpected. Immediately I felt connected and protective. This glowing love was inside of me that had never been there before.
I wasn’t a great physically pregnant person. Not one of those cute cheerful ladies. I was pale and exhausted. A complete disaster. But mentally? I was elated. I had never experienced the emotions that came along with pregnancy. I found myself immediately leaning back into the things about me that are authentic and true. I wanted her to know me.
Motherhood is the purest love I have ever known. This is something that humans share, the ability to feel the love that comes along with bringing a new life into the world.
One day my daughter said something like…you only love me because you’re my Mom. And of course I assured her that wasn’t the case. But then that felt like an incomplete answer. Because I wouldn’t love her the same if I wasn’t her Mom because we wouldn’t have shared the same experiences. From her very start as a tiny dot of cells, we have shared experiences together.
If a growing baby feels her Mother’s emotions, then my daughter felt what I felt as she grew. What I remember feeling most was this intense anticipation to meet her. This fierce resolve to be a good parent to her. This love of the very concept of her and the personality she would develop.
When she came into the world, and I looked into her eyes the first time, I saw her as if I had never not seen her. We knew each other. And were meant to start her life journey together. Of course I love her unconditionally. Not because I have to; but because she is literally a part of me. As I found self love I found unconditional love came more easily.
Mushy Lady
So…I get mushy about Motherly love and also Partnerly love. All the loves. That is the hopeful romantic in me. Love is everywhere. There’s a reason why it’s the subject of so many works of art.
Today I saw a video of a beautiful woman who is living with dementia. The love of her daughters and her husband is palpable. It catches my breath. I was feeling grateful for the love of children and the love of my guy.
Love is beautiful. If you are in a house right now with someone that you love. Go hug them. Even if you are upset with them, remind them you love them.
**Check out my Tik Tok feed for the video referenced above and others that I find interesting! @llrichardsauth