Hello you,
My ideas have really been coming together, my creativity is strong despite a dip in my mental stability. When I get overwhelmed I go into a sort of free fall. Existential Angst, indeed. (Existential Angst is fancy for “life crisis”…so…I’m continuing a mid-life crisis, basically).
Energy is so important. Energy is basically everything in life. I get reminders over and over to protect mine. We are all a bundle of energy and if we don’t protect our energy it gets sucked out of us into other people and other causes.
I’ve always been very sensitive to the energy of others. When you have people in your life that are unhappy, angry, frustrated…that energy leaks into your own. The company you keep is important to your ability to keep your energy high.
When you feel like you are drifting away, who holds out a hand?
If you are on solid ground, why not be the hand reaching out to someone else?
Grief is an emotion that is strong and sneaky and life changing. Someone I cared about left this world recently and it has been hard to work through.
Mike and I met when we were both 21. We worked in the same office and were both young and ambitious, just coming out of the career gate. We spent a lot of time together learning our jobs and growing. I was certainly idealistic, and he was too. We were determined newbies intent to make an impact on the world.
Corporate America is a game. Mike and I were both playing the game and pretty well. We used to have lunch together most days. We would walk to a food court area and talk about the inanities of a typical work day. Our worries were pretty basic back then. We had a manager who was frustrated with life and on a power trip to make herself feel better. We talked about all the things we hoped to change and the kind of people we wanted to become.
He loved to talk about cars and I loved to talk about books. Neither of us was very interested in the other topic, but we listened to each other and shared space for each other’s interests. Mostly we laughed. He had an amazing laugh.
We laughed at the absurdity of life and enjoyed each other’s company. We were both positive people and lifted each other up when one of us was down. He was one of the best people I have ever met. A friend that I could go months without talking to and then pick right back up as if we had just spoken.
There came a point in our careers when we were too busy to keep up with each other. We traveled a long way from the days of walking to lunch and talking about asinine topics. And laughing. We got away from the humor of it and stepped into more serious roles. But we were always able to connect and touch base when we could.
There were a few years where we barely spoke. He was rising in another area of the company and I was in a personal life spiral downward. I ran into him at a networking event. I didn’t even know what to say because my life had gone completely upside down since the last time I saw him. I had almost died, I had gotten divorced, I had fallen for the wrong guy and lived through that explosion. We saw each other and he gave me a big hug, raised an eyebrow at the high slit in my dress and we just laughed. I blurted out that I had gotten a divorce and he basically just said…finally, girl, finally. His very presence was grounding and comforting.
Mike had a lot of trauma in his life. As a friend, I always held a lot of space for him and vice versa. The last few years of his life were really rough. I was rooting for him to pull through and get to the other side of all the heartbreak and trauma, but sadly there was no other side for him. I regret that I wasn’t a better friend during all that he went through.
I woke up to a call from a mutual friend of ours. Another amazingly good person. I heard the tears in her voice, the disbelief, and when she said his name my heart stopped beating for a few seconds. How unfair. How devastating that he was gone. While I was hoping for him to make it to a sunnier side of life he found himself in hospice, with a quick passing just months after discovering he was sick. He was 44 years old.
The thing I’ve struggled with most is feeling like I could have been a better friend. Been more present, more supportive. We always think we have more time…but we really don’t. We only have now. I wish I had been able to be there to help him prepare for his grand exit. I hope it was grand…because he deserved that.
In my memory he will always be the person who had a smile and a laugh for everyone he encountered. He was still desperately seeking himself, but so happy to be on the journey. His energy inspired me.
Lessons I’ve learned while thinking of Mike:
**Show your loved ones how important they are to you. Even when you are struggling yourself, still show them love.
**Be the hand that reaches out to others when they are lost and drifting. Life is a real mess and we’re in this together. Smile. Laugh at the ridiculousness.
**Take care of yourself and your energy. Protect it from negative forces and share it with those who need it.
Now go love on someone!!!