“The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath” were my summer guilty reading pleasure. One of the themes that we see develop in her life through her journals is that of her strong connections–to other humans and to nature.
Sylvia Plath seems to have had difficulty overcoming the barriers to relationships. She wanted to connect at a very deep level and she wasn’t around the right people to do that. In early journal entries she speaks of the women in her life. Of those she has attempted to build friendships with. She seems to have had a problem with feeling rivalry toward other women and a hesitance to trust them.
She says: “Maybe I crave someone who will never be my rival.” She feels a desire to connect in a genuine way, but instead she opts to pursue superficial relationships. Those kind of relationships are much easier to maintain.
While she was afraid of deeply bonding, she also recognized her immense love for humanity.
She says: “I love people. Everybody. I love them, I think, as a stamp collector loves his collection. Every story, every incident, every bit of conversation is raw material for me. My love’s not impersonal, yet not wholly subjective either. I would like to be everyone, a cripple, a dying man, a whore, and then come back to write about my thoughts, my emotions, as that person. But I am not omniscient. I have to live my life, and it is the only one I’ll ever have. And you cannot regard your own life with objective curiosity all the time…”
What a powerful self-reflection. She was a philosopher at heart. A lover of humanity and a lover of study. As I read the above passage I feel myself in her self-description. I, too, am drawn by the urge to know others and to write stories about different lives, stories filled with emotion and authenticity. The real struggle, for me, is to not get tied up in the stories created by others and to focus on crafting my own stories. The only life you’ll ever have is right now. When you recognize this, the present comes to include both the past and the future and it feels self-directed.
She says: “With me, the present is forever, and forever is always shifting, flowing, melting. This second is life.” There is no promised “next” second. And that is an underlying truth to all, whether we choose to face that truth or we choose to ignore it. I also came to realize that to me, forever is this very moment.
Plath hones in on the root of most fears–fear of death, or fear not knowing when death will come. She speaks of her personal fear often in her journals.
When talking about the fleeting forever she elaborates: “Nothing is real except the present, and already, I feel the weight of centuries smothering me. Some girl a hundred years ago once lived as I do. And she is dead. I am the present, but I know I, too, will pass. The high moment, the burning flash, come and are gone, continuous quicksand. And I don’t want to die.”
Her self-awareness is remarkable; her descriptive voice, beautiful. Sylvia Plath was remarkable. As I continue to read what she wrote to herself decades ago, I am grateful that I am able to connect with her thoughts. We seem to think alike in many ways and, while we could never be friends, being separated by time and death and all, I understand her and would have loved to have been her friend.
A genius like Sylvia Plath felt such isolation and discontent. It reminds me that many people live like this every day. Many people find it hard to connect to those around them. If you are such a person my advice is…keep trying to find your people. They are out there! What would Plath have thought of Reddit?! The internet has made it easier than ever to find like minded humans out in the world.